I have never been an overtly confident person, having acquired the habit of reflecting upon myself how others behave about me. I dislike immensely standing out in a group, always striving to merge seamlessly into the psyche of a group; in deliberating over it now, perhaps it was so not to attract attention, that looking at any others in our group is like looking at me.

Years have passed since childhood, I have since learnt to somehow preserve my own identity in the swarm of hustling and bustling, and later on in life, the meeting and marrying my husband somehow boosted confidence in being myself. After all, he picked me out of the millions of people he could have met on earth!

Life was bliss for an introvert when she could live in her own little world, fed by love and contentment. Our little kid made it complete, and I could feel faith shine through my eyes, reaching out to my loved ones. If only I had remained happy and fulfilled in the circle of family love! But in my new found confidence and everlasting joy, I reached out to the then blossoming internet in the want of intellectual equals and in the absence of adult companionship.

To realize I was in the wrong group was too late, I became afflicted with depression. I appreciate that comprehension and the perception of betrayal comes from people of the same calibre, but I have to this date still to learn trust, that the experience was but a mere incidence in life; I have yet to pick up the confidence of a right to being a human being as any other without the ground dropping out on me again from time to time.

Without this basic confidence, all human interests fall away, whether I merged with a blade of grass graced with morning dews, or dispersed into the atmosphere as abundant as air did not matter. But finding 61musings introvert group helped me much in re-recognizing the fundamental me that I had over time lost sight of. And the last trip I took to another continent, exposed me to helpless childhood conditions, which strangely helped re-build the much needed thin shell, so that I can place others at a safe distance away again from my center core. People were always too close for comfort to me in the end, looking deep into my being of nothingness, that I had nowhere to begin to gather myself together again.

I am not, however, looking for the confidence I had before, it seemed a little too bright, too confident, too carefree for me now. Rather, I am looking for a more profound connection, perhaps in reconciliation with God, or with my inner soul. All I search for now, I guess, is the confidence of being a human being, a conscientious one, and one that is solely bound for the beauty of life.


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